Now

I see right here that I really love writing because for me it is not just about formulating words, the words are emblematic of an understanding that takes place within my soul about who it is I am and what I am becoming. Lord knows I started out wanting to be an artist. And I speak freely here because it has been important to me to write as if someone out there is listening even if for now and maybe forever they are not. I see that I get something valuable. I have to say and yes this is stream of consciousness, I watched a bit of a documentary on Eva Hesse this morning just a few minutes or so and she talked of how she said she was not so pretentious as to write down her thoughts about herself or something like that. Yet entries from her diary are used throughout the documentary and do lend light into her thought processes as an artist. I think that is beautiful. Lord know I have done journaling in my time here on Earth but this writing is meant to connect with people. As I said that may never happen but I write as though it might one day if not immediately because this is the work that I do here. Writing about my experience in a way is the experience. And I can feel as I write these words a kind of vitality that has been missing from my life. The keys spring forward my fingers dancing across them. I miss the aliveness of blogging. God knows no one is reading them to my knowledge but I swear that they are some of the best work I do. It is the explication of the ideas and energy that Have been working on for years now. The art as life stuff. The life art stuff. It is no secret to me or anyone else that I wanted to see these ideas reach the light of day and shine so bright. The idea of life as art is I am sure not exceptionally new but to unpack it fully, I have not seen anyone doing that. My attempt in art has been to make new discoveries and bring something original to the conversation. Though now I realize that there are many conversations taking place not just one and all is important. I just turned 41 and I still think how this work may someday be compiled by someone for a book about my life. I say this not out of vanity but because such a product is I feel a part of the work that I am doing. I do this all for me in a way because I think that is wise but there has always been a part of me that wants to connect with others mostly throught the work itself in books and videos. I have been taking a break from the idea that I am an active artist working at the forefront of art. I have to say that I write with some person in mind in the future who is curious about the world and maybe art and finds my work somehow and gets something out of it. Sometimes I think the most sincere communing that can take place especially in the arts is the personal experience of work. It is a kind of sincere communication across even ages to where the absolute center of a person is communicated instead of what might be talked about in person if that were to happen. God knows I want to write and write and write and that I do believe in the goodness to come from that. I am continuing to listen to the videos of a man named Frederick Dodson who describes his work as reality creation. I have to say that currently I am talking to next to no one from the local or national art world. It is pretty lonely but also perhaps the purest way to work for the time being. The pandemic is related to a sense of that as well. I have been doing a 30 minute mindfulness meditation practice for a while now and plan on doing that now.